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TRADITIONS
by Len Sousa
INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - CHRISTMAS DAY
TIM is sitting on the couch, watching TV, as his roommate PAUL walks in and sits
on a nearby chair.
PAUL
Hey.
TIM
(staring at the TV)
Hey.
PAUL
Whatcha watching?
TIM
“Sharktopus.”
PAUL
Any good?
TIM
(still staring at the TV)
No. But I can’t. Stop. Watching it.
A long pause as they both stare at the TV.
PAUL
(nearly forgetting)
Oh, Merry Christmas, by the way.
It’s today, isn’t it?
Tim eyes Paul suspiciously.
TIM
Yes, it is. Thanks. I just got back
from my parents’ house.
Paul nods. Another pause as they go back to watching TV.
PAUL
You know I didn’t get you anything
because of the whole...
TIM
Jewish thing?
PAUL
Right. I’m Jewish.
TIM
I know. It’s cool.
PAUL
Cool.
They sit in silence for another moment as they continue to stare at the TV.
TIM
Of course, technically, you’re not
really Jewish since you’re an atheist.
Paul slowly looks over to Tim.
PAUL
I’m not a religious Jew, but
culturally, I’m still Jewish.
(beat)
Plus you’re an atheist, too. Real
atheists don’t celebrate Christmas.
TIM
Sure they do.
PAUL
Name one.
TIM
Richard Dawkins. He nixes Jesus,
but still wraps presents and sticks
them under a tree like everyone else.
PAUL
Everyone else who isn’t Jewish.
(beat)
But even if that’s true — and I’m
going to have to Snopes it — I
don’t think a real atheist should
celebrate Christmas.
TIM
You don’t think the man who wrote
“The God Delusion” is a real
atheist? Besides, you’re an atheist
who celebrates Hanukkah.
PAUL
So?
TIM
So Hanukkah is a religious holiday.
PAUL
(correcting)
It’s the Festival of Lights.
TIM
Which commemorates the rededication
of the Temple in Jerusalem. Why do
I know more about this than you do?
PAUL
(shrugs)
We’re like the Martin Luthers of
Judaism in my family. We’ll eat
challah and remember the high
holidays, but don’t ask us to quote
the Talmud.
TIM
Then you admit you are Jewish.
PAUL
Of course I’m Jewish. We’ve been
over this. It’s a cultural identity.
Hanukkah isn’t just about religion.
It’s an age-old tradition that brings
the whole family together.
TIM
So is Christmas. You’re saying
Christmas can’t be cultural?
PAUL
Not in the same way.
(breaking things down)
Christ. Mass. How is it not
religious? We don’t call Hanukkah
“Abraham-shul.”
Tim pauses trying to follow Paul’s logic.
TIM
Look. I’m just saying there’s a
cultural side and a religious side.
If Hanukkah can be both then so
can Christmas.
PAUL
I don’t think so, Tim. There’s no
such thing as a cultural Christian.
TIM
Why not? What makes being Jewish
so cultural?
PAUL
Try two thousand years of perennial
displacement; wandering through
the desert; endless persecution;
genocide.
(beat)
My people kept their traditions
alive as the life blood of their
culture, one that was in constant
danger of being lost forever.
TIM
Traditions you can’t bother to
remember the meaning of, Martin
Luther?
Paul pauses and glares at Tim.
PAUL
Why are you getting on my ass
about this? Is it a Christmas
tradition to pick on the Jewish
kid? We’ve had a lot of that over
the centuries, too.
TIM
Because I’m an atheist, Paul. And
because you’re an atheist. And
because of the motion picture epic
“Avatar” directed by Mr. James
Cameron.
PAUL
“Avatar”?
TIM
(without skipping a beat)
Two-disc special edition with
digital copy included. Ring any
bells, Paul? Maybe not Christmas
but some Hanukkah bells? A gift
from your non-Jewish roommate
this year?
PAUL
Okay...what about it?
TIM
(realizing he has to come
out and say it)
Non-Christian roommate can’t spring
for a Christmas present the way
non-Jewish roommate can spring
for a Hanukkah present?
PAUL
I told you, Christmas is a religious
holiday. I wouldn’t expect you to
get me a gift on Yom Kippur.
TIM
People don’t exchange gifts on
Yom Kippur!
PAUL
Exactly.
TIM
(confused)
Wait, what?
(shouting)
No! You’re not going to play your
Jewish holiday mind games on me!
PAUL
(angry)
“Jewish mind games”?!
Tim stands up.
TIM
That’s not what I said!
Paul also stands.
PAUL
First of all, was that a cultural
or religious reference to “Jewish”?
TIM
(fed up)
You know what? Whatever’s
more irritating!
PAUL
Oh, very nice! I’m culturally
Jewish, Tim. Not religiously.
You take that back!
TIM
Maybe what I should take back is
that “Avatar” DVD! Here I thought
one of us was an atheist Jew and
the other an atheist Christian. One
celebrates Hanukkah; one celebrates
Christmas. It’d be like an episode
of “The Odd Couple.” We’d exchange
presents on different holidays. But
nooo. Paul can’t be bothered because
he’s “culturally” Jewish and an
atheist. You’re so chea-
Tim stops himself from finishing the word “cheap.”
PAUL
I’m so what, Tim?
TIM
No. I didn’t say it.
PAUL
Say what?
TIM
(firmly)
I didn’t say it.
PAUL
That I’m...cheap?
TIM
I never said that.
PAUL
Barely! Look, you want your stupid
“Avatar” DVD back? You can have it!
I don’t even want it anymore.
(finds and picks up the
“Avatar” DVD)
Clearly, I’m the Na’vi in this situation
and you’re the military presence eager
to extinguish my culture from existence
for your precious Unobtainium!
(indicating the DVD on the
word “Unobtainium”)
Reminds me of a certain someone
circa 1942!
TIM
Oh, give me a break! Just because
we have an argument does not make
me Hitler!
PAUL
(dramatically)
If you prick us, do we not bleed?
TIM
Let’s not forget that this is about
an atheist falling back on religion
to avoid getting someone a
Christmas present!
PAUL
You’re not even Christian!
TIM
You’re not even Jewish!
SIMON, the previously unseen roommate, suddenly wanders on stage with a DVD
in his hand.
SIMON
Hey guys, wanna watch “Avatar”?
TIM/PAUL
Not now, Simon!
Simon stops and slowly backs his way off stage. Paul and Tim take a breather as
their eyes slowly shift back to the TV. They watch the screen for a moment.
PAUL
(realizing)
So it’s a shark and an octopus.
TIM
That’s what makes the sharktopus so
terrifying.
(beat)
By the way, I meant that
religiously speaking. You’re not
even Jewish, religiously speaking.
Paul appreciates this.
PAUL
And I guess there is such a thing
as a cultural Christian. I mean,
who am I to say what a person is or
isn’t, anyway.
TIM
Thank you.
PAUL
So do you want me to get you a
Christmas present?
TIM
I want you to want to get me a
Christmas present, Paul. The way
I wanted to get you a Hanukkah
present.
Paul considers this.
PAUL
Of course, you watch “Avatar” more
than I do. A cynical person might
say the only reason you got it for
me was so you could have a copy of
the 2-disc version at the apartment
and not have to wait another two
weeks to get it for Christmas.
TIM
A cynic might say that.
They pause and eye each other.
PAUL
You know, I heard they just came
out with an extended 3-disc
collector’s edition that has an
extra 16 minutes added to the movie.
TIM
Curse you, James Cameron.
PAUL
Tell me about it.
(beat)
So should we call Simon back in
here and watch “Avatar” again while
I do some online shopping?
TIM
(calls off stage)
Simon! “Avatar”!
Simon walks back on stage slowly.
SIMON
Is everything cool now, guys?
TIM
Yes. We’ve settled yet another
religious argument through mature,
diplomatic discussion.
PAUL
(proudly)
I only called him Hitler once.
SIMON
You two should just argue through
email like normal people.
(beat)
Anyway, what I was going to say
before was that I got the new
3-disc extended edition of “Avatar”
for Christmas. It’s got an extra
16 minutes added to it plus a whole
new creature, which is probably
way better than that sharktopus
that’s on TV right now. I thought
we could all watch it.
Tim and Paul look at each other. Tim smiles.
TIM
It’s a James Cameron Christmas
miracle!
PAUL
Don’t push it.
END.
Staged Short
December 2010
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